i could never hate you

i hate...waking up in the middle of the night to find the stuffed animal you gave me because somehow i know when it's not near me. never being able to stay mad at you just because i see your face or you make me laugh. that your my favorite face. that i always need to hold your hand. waiting for your call. knowing i can't call you because you'll be annoyed. seeing my favorite picture of us but now when i see it, its not the same because now i just get reminded of when you said you weren't really into that kiss. that you've helped me change for the better. that i can't take off that wrist bracelet off my anklet no matter how annoying it can be just because it was from your house. thinking about college or my early future and knowing you won't think about it. that i want to tell everyone in the world about you. that you're my favorite face. actually liking your car now a days. worrying so much about your christmas present. that i can't help telling my mom about you sometimes. wishing surprises from you, anything, anything, at all. that i swore i'd never let anyone do this to me again and here i am. planning our 6 months with no avail. i hate that i know your flaws and although you have them and i cant stan'd them, i wouldn't change you one bit because somehow i've learned to compromise and like all those things. believing "i'll make it up to you". that i can describe your scent perfectly. that even when we're fighting, i still like you a lot. there's not a single goofy thing you can do that will make me think you're unattractive. the fact that i said "forever" with awkward silence from you after that. enjoying snowboarding. being incredibly happy with everything/anything we do together. getting more jobs partially because i was scared that i was gonna be sad when i wouldn't have work and you wouldn't be with me. pitying people who complain about their bfs becauseknowing there's no words to describe how happy i am when i'm with you. reliving recent memories in my head every night before i go to sleep. hoping every day that i might talk to you or see you that day. caring about my looks only because of you. wearing clothes i know you like on me just because well, you like it on me. having favorite clothes on you. that i get weak when you kiss my ear, my forehead, my cheek, my neck, my hand; my lips.
...i don't really hate any of these. in fact, i don't mind them; at all. i guess in a way i just hate them because they're all reminders of how much i've fallen for you; no matter how hard i try, here i am ridiculously in smitten of you. i guess that's why it scares me when you act this way, because deep in my heart that light that says 'he doesn't like you half as much as he used to or half as much as you like him' turns on even if it's just a speck of it that dims out the day after, it was still there. and that scares me. that's why all these things scare me.

let me know you care. let me feel something coming from your heart.